Moving Past Christianity

I became a Christian when I was 17 after being homeless and growing up in the care system. A few months prior to becoming a Christian I attempted suicide through gassing myself in my car. I had a near death experience which stuck with me – the peace I felt as death approached was amazing.

When I became a Christian (after being convinced it was worth looking into), I prayed alone one night, and after I did the sinners prayer I felt a powerful force run through my body and the truth repeated over and over again. I was on fire for faith from day one.

Many profound experiences followed (too many to list), but then it suddenly changed and I started to have bad experiences that grew more intense. I literally had voices screaming in my mind, which went on for a few months. Everything fell apart – I thought I was going mad. It was so unbearable that I became homeless again. I was angry as hell. I got involved in crime and drugs, which was a default for me after being in care. I went off the rails more than ever.

Four years later whilst in prison I met someone who had come to faith in a powerful way like I had, and he talked me into returning to faith. After a few days I knelt alone in my cell and asked God back into my life. The experience I had was exactly like first one, including the negative stuff. The same cycle simply repeated itself again.

When I left prison I stayed with a group called “The Jesus Army”. It was extreme. I saw how repressive religion was and how much damage faith was doing to me, plus I was still extremely rebellious. So after being kicked out of the group I ditched everything for nine years of women, drugs and crime, serving ten prison sentences in total.

I had a lot of anger issues growing up and I deeply regret the things I have done and live with the guilt on a daily basis, constantly seeking to be a better person. I did once again return to faith very broken and screwed up through drugs in 2009, where I again experienced a powerful return to faith. I struggled to understand why I had so many bad things happen while I believed, from intense doubt, confusion, uncertainty and fear. So many things did not make sense to me. The mental battles were constant, no one wanted to help me with my doubts and it was frowned on to doubt. I was utterly perplexed. I studied and researched my beliefs, which opened the door to the other side of the argument which was extremely convincing. All my doubts were listed, which seemed to encourage me. I was not alone.

I came to a point some 4-5 months ago where I knew I wanted this nightmare to end. I simply could not believe it. Its kind of strange now because leaving the faith as been incredibly difficult. I can’t escape my mind. I remember all the experiences I had which stick with me all the time. Where did they come from if all of it isn’t real? Were they a result of having two parents with mental health issues? I don’t know. All I know is I want to move forward, move on with my life, I could not go through that again.