No Lightning is Going to Strike
I am a first time poster, but a long time sufferer. But if you’ll indulge me a little I’ll climb down from my cross. They need the wood for something else anyway!
I have some thoughts, but I’ve never actually been brave enough to engrave them into words before. I still think, in the back of my mind, that lightning will probably strike me before I hit the “submit” button. Why is it so important to externalise one’s worth? Why is so crucial that we are supposed to delude ourselves into believing that there is a vengeful, cruel entity out there who will love us and give us worth? And all we need to do is believe in him?
I have a lot of bitterness about God that I’m honestly, quite terrified to share. It goes against my upbringing completely!
That woman who tried to groom me into being a Seventh Day Adventist preacher by forcing me to copy Exodus, then Leviticus, letter by letter when I was only 7. And only in my most perfect cursive or I’d leave school with cuts on my head and neck and arms from those long thin metal blades they used to put into those old wooden rulers. But I digress… I was talking about worth.
Self-indulgence is something I’m not yet worthy of. I can’t imagine just believing in myself without my psychotic pastor’s blessing. I can’t imagine just getting into my car and driving out and grabbing what I’ve always wanted without god’s blessing. I needed a sign from him badly. Maybe just an image of him in my toast or coffee froth? Just something small from god, just a little sign that what I want is alright with him.
I think however, right now; he’s just being a prick. And he’s jealous. I don’t want to serve him every moment of my life. I want some me time too. Why can’t I be happy too? Why should I always suffer? Anyway, my cross is back up and waiting. The eternal martyr. Pathetic aren’t I?
